Girl's Just Wanna Have Fun!!

I want to live with reckless abandon......well, not everyday...just one weekend...ok, just one day out of the weekend once a month or so. I do not have enough fun in my life. Maybe I don't know how to relax. If I am not doing anything one day and decide to sit and read or just watch movies all day, after a couple of hours I get restless, I should be up doing something, cleaning, cooking dinner, washing clothes etc., etc., etc. And as I have mentioned before I am not a spur of the moment type of gal.

They say that anorexic's control what they eat because they feel they have no control over the rest of their lives and food is something they can control. I like order and routine. As a single parent I have to be in control over everything, there is no one to "hand the ball off to". Even when my son's father and I were together, up until my son was about 8yrs old., I always had to be in control. He developed addiction problems, so I was always the only adult in the household. I had to be the designated driver, the keeper of the finances, I had to be the buffer. I had to be in charge, I had to be the parent. I guess I still feel that way, if I let go everything will fall apart. Now logically I know that wouldn't happen, but emotionally, that's another story.

Sometimes I just want to let go, lean on someone else's shoulder, let them take the load for just a day. And it's not just the big things, it's the little things. It's hard being the mother and father. Talking to my son about the facts of life, teaching him to drive, teaching him to tie a tie, giving him advice before a prom date. My son's father and I are still friends but he still has his issues so he can't really be a proper father to him.

And it's not just issues with being a parent. I want to be able to realize that if I don't straighten up the house one day, or the laundry's not done, or the dog poop's not picked up in the yard, it will still be there tomorrow and it can be done then. The world will not end if the beds aren't made or nothing is thawed out for dinner or the floors haven't been vacuumed. 

So my goal is to live with reckless abandon every now and then for a day.......or at least an afternoon.  I'm getting a list together. No, no, no.....no lists, just do it on the fly.  Oh Lord, I'm already nervous thinking about it. :-)


Here's to change......Kathy